Historically, divorce has been a nasty business with equally nasty terminology.  “Custody” and “alimony” conjure up images of bile-spewing, decades-long battles.  Washington, like many states, has altered the terminology of many key divorce concepts in an effort to escape the loaded words of the bad old days, probably in the hope that more harmonious language will mean more harmonious litigation.

Is this Orwellian double-speak?  Enlightened social engineering?  Or just six to one, half a dozen of the other?  You be the judge.

You may be surprised to learn that today we don’t even have “divorce” in Washington.  Instead, we have “dissolution,” suggesting that the process of unhappy spouses going their separate ways is as smooth and painless and sugar melting in a cup of tea.  Gone, too, are the accusations of adultery and mental cruelty, once a prerequisite to even getting divorced, for we are now a “no-fault State.”

So far as the law of Washington is concerned, an irretrievably broken marriage is like bad weather:  we can figure out why it happened if we want to, but no one is to blame.

Scornful spouses are no longer Plaintiffs and Defendants (terms we still use in other civil litigation matters).  Instead, the spouse who starts the litigation and pays the court filing fees is the “Petitioner,” while the other is the “Respondent.”  Makes it seem as easy as signing a petition at the mall for more hiking trails or responding to a letter from an old college chum.

And here’s some good news for you high-wage earners: “Alimony” is a four-letter word of the past.  Instead, you will be heartened to learn that now you simply pay “maintenance” – kind of like your homeowner dues.  Feels better already, doesn’t it?

Gone, too, are ruinous “custody fights” of decades past, because custody no longer even exists.  Instead, divorced fathers and mothers “co-parent” their children through a meticulously crafted “Parenting Plan” featuring all sorts of tranquil sections like  “Joint Decision-Making.” So now, instead of losing custody, you simply become the “non-residential parent.”  And who, really, has a problem with that?

But, traditionalists take heart, for some things never change: “Child support,” even in the brave new millennium, is still just “child support.”