A few weeks ago we wrote about the rape epidemic in the Congo. Unfortunately, a culture of tolerating and even encouraging gang rapes appears in other parts of Africa as well. This week the BBC reports about a South African man who sought out a woman he had raped as a teenager in his home village:

Dumisani Rebombo and his friend raped a young girl in their village in South Africa when they were teenagers. Years later, he returned to the same village to find the woman he attacked and begged for her forgiveness. Mr Rebombo, 49, is one of thousands of men in South Africa who admit to having carried out a sexual assault – one in four, according to a recent survey.

The story Mr. Rebombo, a community development worker and public speaker, tells is chilling. But is it sincere contrition, the partial abdication of responsibility for one’s own actions, or perhaps a bit of both?:

When I was 15 years old, I took part in a gang rape. Before the incident, I was constantly jeered for not being man enough. At the time I was not ready to have a girlfriend when all my friends did. I did not tend the cattle or sheep, nor did I attend the initiation school [where South African teenagers are circumcised in traditional rites of passage]. This fuelled my daily jeers.
A friend and my cousin pressured me to prove that I was man enough, by taking part in the rape of a teenage girl in the village.

This was termed “straightening her up”, since she did not want to go out with any of the local boys. I succumbed to this daily pressure and on the day of the incident, when they saw me trembling with fear, they ordered me to take marijuana and beer to defeat my fears. I did just that and the two of us [my friend and I] proceeded to rape the girl. Afterwards, I was terrified. I felt guilty but also scared that the news could reach my mother who had a high standing in the community.

The following day, when we went for our soccer practice, this incident was reported to all the other football players. On hearing the news, they sang and clapped as if we had done something right. This helped to stop the jeering somewhat and I was allowed to associate with the other boys. I still felt guilty, at least partially so, especially when I saw the girl in the village. Sometimes I tried to avoid meeting her.

But slowly, over time, I began to think less and less about the incident. I left my village in Limpopo Province and went to live in the city and joined a religious group from which I learned a lot about love and respect for all. Strangely, I did not think much of the incident – I just went on with my life.

Mr. Rebombo then began working for an NGO (non-governernmental organisation – a non-profit) working with unemployed mothers. Hearing their reports about abuse – sexual and otherwise – made Rebombo introspective, and spurred him to take direct personal action:

It was as if every time I heard of a negative act by a man, I was forced to go back to my own incident. I then asked my employers to train us in a methodology which would target boys and men. They did this and very soon, I felt challenged, self-consciously, to set an example to the men I was teaching. I took a decision to go back to find the woman I raped. I realised that the woman needed justice.

But also, I wanted to ask for forgiveness, now that I understood the effects and consequences for someone who has been raped. I went to my pastor about this. His response was: “You are saved now, you were once in the mud, but now you know the truth and you are therefore OK.”

He also asked me if I was ready to go to jail. He said: “What if the woman went to the authorities?” My answer was: “If I go to jail, that would be justice for that woman.” I therefore took the journey to the north. I wanted her to know that I felt bad about what I had done to her, that I was a changed man and I was working with other men to prevent rape.

Rebombo’s account on his meeting with the woman is heartbreaking:

She looked at me and revealed that she had since been raped on two other occasions. She started crying. She told me how she often cringes when her husband touches her. She told me that her life was never the same emotionally following these incidents. Worse still, she was not ready to tell her husband of what had happened. Finally, she said that she forgave me, and thought that I had meant well with all that I had said. I left that room with a new burden – to do something about rape in my community and my country.

The article ends on a positive note, a note that perhaps hits an odd note. Are these lessons really so neatly gained?:

If you asked me: “What motivates so many men in South Africa to engage in un-consensual sex?” I would say that it is the machismo feelings and beliefs, coupled with patriarchal processes and tendencies. I think that we raise boys in the wrong way, but later on in their lives we want to see them as different men who care and love.

My advice to young men who feel under pressure to rape, is to surround yourselves with good friends. Learn to talk to someone about what is going on inside. For with this, one can teach the young men to have other means of solving conflict. And above all, to grow up respecting girls.

The comments to this piece are as revealing as the article itself. While many BBC readers appreciate Rebombo’s actions, others argued that he should have simply turned himself into the police.  As one man argues:

It seems we seem to make a martyr of this man rather than actively make an example of this terrible crime. I don’t think it is the role of this man to preach social change, even if the offence was committed many years previously
Matthew, United Kingdom

One thing that readers may have reacted to is that the article has two prominent very positive looking photographs of Mr. Rebombo. It’s not so much, I think, that the BBC wanted to characterize Rebombo as a martyr or hero, but rather that news organizations generally strive to put a human face on just about any story. And as a photo of the victim would not likely be appropriate, they chose Mr. Rebombo.

I am quite torn over the right answer to this (note that I have chosen not to include a photo of him), and wonder at the depth of Mr. Rebombo’s contrition. I mean, it’s easy enough to say that you are ready to go to jail, but jail time seemed unlikely under the facts presented here. Also, it’s not clear whether the apology was more to assuage his own guilt or truly help his victim achieve closure on this awful crime.

Still, it seems clear that the path to eradicating such evil practices necessarily includes such public confessionals, regardless of the ultimate motives of the guilt-stricken criminals:

The lesson is that as women activists, we need to involve men in our campaigns and also target them to be part of the crusade to educate and change the attitude of fellow men. Remombo’s story is a classic example indeed.
Agnes, Ghana, Accra

I am also mindful that Rebombo’s act did in fact seem to restore some of the power to the victim of his crime – more perhaps even than going to the police. Perhaps this direct act of apology is a building block to restoring the equilibrium both within the victim herself, and more broadly, in the society where such violent crime is all too commonplace. Furthermore, given what Rebombo is admitting to, there is really no right way for him to tell such a despicable story. But detailing the specific conquences to his specific victim, decades later (i.e., her shame with her own husband) is a start.

It seems only appropriate that the focus of this story should be with the victim, who, by her forgiveness, is the true hero of this story:

To the nameless woman from his story, how amazing you are to move beyond what happened, even to offer forgiveness so that you too may heal. Blessings to you.
Marie, Vancouver, Canada

I look forward to the day when the victims of such crimes are equally comfortable going on speaking tours as are their rapists. For as positive as Mr. Rebombo’s message is, the fact that the victim remains nameless highlights the sad truth that, if this story is any indicator, it is actually a greater taboo in many places to admit being raped than to admit to being a rapist.

How screwed up is that?